I don’t really believe in St Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s supposed to be some kind of saint’s day and it’s turned into a festival of carnality. Most people have dropped the “St” from the name and abbreviated the rest to become “VD” — which you may or may not find amusingly apt, depending on the level of your misanthropy. Anyway, as a God-fearing woman, I don’t truck with none of that, but my personal convictions notwithstanding, I like the fact that people go out of their way to do something nice for their loved ones on St Valentine’s Day. They buy stuff for them and shit.
The problem is, people are really bad at buying stuff for other people. Especially watches. So I thought I’d put together a handy little guide for those of you thinking of buying a watch as a present this year. I’ve done it by horoscope, which is another one of those things I don’t believe in (see Leviticus 19:26), but it’s a convenient set of personality types* so let’s just go with that.
So, here goes. You can thank me when your SO puts out next Tuesday night. Or, come to think of it, don’t. Keep that shit to yourself.
*I don’t know what the personality traits associated with each horoscope are either, I’m just kinda making them up. And, no, I can’t just Google it, because I’m writing this on the plane, all right. (To be fair, I wouldn’t Google it even if I wasn’t on a plane. That’s, like, researching something that isn’t even real. Why would I do that?)