I don’t really believe in St Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s supposed to be some kind of saint’s day and it’s turned into a festival of carnality. Most people have dropped the “St” from the name and abbreviated the rest to become “VD” — which you may or may not find amusingly apt, depending on the level of your misanthropy. Anyway, as a God-fearing woman, I don’t truck with none of that, but my personal convictions notwithstanding, I like the fact that people go out of their way to do something nice for their loved ones on St Valentine’s Day. They buy stuff for them and shit.

The problem is, people are really bad at buying stuff for other people. Especially watches. So I thought I’d put together a handy little guide for those of you thinking of buying a watch as a present this year. I’ve done it by horoscope, which is another one of those things I don’t believe in (see Leviticus 19:26), but it’s a convenient set of personality types* so let’s just go with that.

So, here goes. You can thank me when your SO puts out next Tuesday night. Or, come to think of it, don’t. Keep that shit to yourself.

*I don’t know what the personality traits associated with each horoscope are either, I’m just kinda making them up. And, no, I can’t just Google it, because I’m writing this on the plane, all right. (To be fair, I wouldn’t Google it even if I wasn’t on a plane. That’s, like, researching something that isn’t even real. Why would I do that?)

Aries — The Ram

This sounds like it ought to be a forceful kind of person, but my sister is an Aries and she’s about as forceful as puréed tofu. I’m going to say the Aries person is warm (because of all the wool) and social (herd animal), musical (cos of the horns, LOL, and also because my sister is talented in that area) and has a strong awareness of timing and schedules (sheep have pretty regular lives, I think). Get the Aries in your life a watch that doubles as a conversation piece amongst friends, a chiming watch that isn’t as intimidating as a repeater.

For Him: A. Lange & Söhne Zeitwerk Hour Strike

For Her: Jaeger-LeCoultre Rendez-Vous Sonatina

Taurus — The Bull

The Taurean, I imagine, is decisive and likes getting things done double quick, has a languidly bovine exterior that can unexpectedly erupt in bursts of focused energy, is irrepressibly virile. May or may not have a nose ring. Enjoys disembowelling gaudily jacketed men holding red capes. Get this person a chronograph, so he or she can time every task (significant or no) and rejoice in quantifying their speed and efficiency. Don’t mess around with classic guillochage and gold cases — the Taurean is a person of action!

For him: Blancpain L-Evolution Split Seconds Flyback Chronograph

For her: Hublot Big Bang Unico White Ceramic

Gemini — The Twins

I’m just guessing here, but aren’t Geminis supposed to be super outgoing and mercurial? Because of the whole two-in-one persona, right? Also, just like how twins can seem to be in a world of their own sometimes, I’m gonna say that Geminis are extremely self-sufficient. Also they are fun, because twins are fun, right? I Googled “twins” and “fun”, and I got like eleventy million results. (I didn’t click on any of them — a lot of them had “This site may potential harm your computer” warnings.) There’s an obvious choice here when it comes to double-faced watches, but because Geminis thrive on the unexpected (!!!) I’m gonna go with something different.

For him: URWERK UR-T8

For her: Piaget Limelight Magic Hour

Cancer — The Crab

Is all about the frantic sidestepping, hates direct confrontation. Goes around, not towards. Has a hard shell but is incredibly delicate on the inside. Small but disproportionately effective — capable of inflicting massive discipline by applying those pincers to your soft parts. Has to live with a really unfortunate name. Delicious steamed with coriander and a tiny bit of ginger. Nothing’s ever simple with a Cancerian, so let’s see if we can’t come up with a couple of watches that go big on complexity whilst economising on space. Pain-in-the-ass name optional.

For him: Vacheron Constantin Métiers d’Art Copernicus Celestial Spheres 2460 RT

For her: Patek Philippe Ladies First Grand Complication Split-Seconds Chronograph Ref. 7059R

(Nota bene: If the Cancerian in question is named Suzanne Wong, then forget everything I just said and head directly for the Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Extra-Thin 15202 in yellow gold with champagne dial. That is all.)

Leo — The Lion

Total alpha. Is a leader not only by natural instinct, but also by popular acclamation. Has great hair, favours gold and black, gravitates towards popular watering holes and the savannah. Regal, but not in a remote way — knows when and how to get personally involved with the stuff that needs to be done. Likes: Traditional leisure sports, high-protein diets, asking if you can feel the love tonight, telling offspring that one day all this will be theirs. Dislikes: wasting time, conniving usurper siblings.

For him: Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore Chronograph 42mm in rose gold with black alligator leather strap

For her: Richard Mille RM 007 Ladies’ Automatic

Virgo — The Virgin

Imperious and inexorable. Ferociously intelligent, hidden sensuality, impossibly high standards. Capable of great restraint and very keen on being in control. I’m thinking Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth I, or Charles Dance as the only dude in Westeros who (IMO) has what it takes to sit on the Iron Throne. Now, I’m not implying that Virgos don’t get laid — clearly the whole point of this article is that you’re in a fairly intimate situation with whoever it is you’re buying a watch for. I just feel like Virgos are simply really good at channelling their carnal energies into productive outlets. For all these reasons, I find myself unable to mentally detach Virgos from one particular brand. That brand is Cartier. I’ve often thought that if Cartier were a person, it would be the Cardinal Richelieu (born on 9 September).

For him: Tortue de Cartier Quantième Perpétuel

For her: Panthère de Cartier in yellow gold

Libra — The Scales

Well, the obvious trait that would suggest itself to the person attempting to guess a Libra’s personality would be fairness. A strong sense of right (and wrong) and a marked proclivity towards methodical approaches would probably be safe guesses as well. The Libra likes things to be clean, uncluttered, organised. He or she wouldn’t be super experimental — Libras know that classics are classics for a reason. Pragmatism is sort of bundled together with the whole concept of weighing scales, objectivity and a refined analytical faculty and all the rest of it. But I’m going to say Libras can be a little overzealous about traditional systems sometimes. I mean, who still uses manual weighing scales in the 21^st century?

For him: Jaquet Droz Grande Seconde Email Ivoire

For her: IWC Da Vinci Automatic

Scorpio — The Scorpion

Always overestimate a Scorpio by about 20 percent, because people tend to focus on the pincers directly in their line of sight and forget about the sting swooping in overhead until it’s too late. I always think that scorpions are incontrovertibly true to their natures, because of that moralising fable about the scorpion and the frog. So we’re looking at a watch that is expressed very simply and directly, but that can pack a real punch. My store of scorpion-related knowledge runs out here — I’m not well up in my entomology. They hang out on bomber jackets as worn by Ryan Gosling? They pen chart-topping 1990s power rock ballads that feature whistling and discussions of the decline of the USSR?

For him: H Moser & Cie Endeavour Perpetual Calendar Concept

For her: Montblanc Bohème Perpetual Calendar

Sagittarius — The Archer

There’s a lot to unpack in this sign. Not only do we have the archer stuff, there’s also the centaur stuff, so we’ve got plenty to work with. Like I said, I have no idea what any of these horoscope personalities are supposed to be, but I’m having a lot of fun making them up! Archery is all about accuracy over distance and not having to engage at close quarters. To me, this suggests someone who likes to plan things in advance, carefully factoring in a bunch of variables in order to avoid having to wrangle with an uncooperative reality at the last minute. Centaurs are supposedly great astronomers and represent the stable (see what I did there) union of man with nature. So can we think of any formidable-looking watches that feature “big picture” expressions of time — astronomical watches, perpetual calendars, stuff like that?

For him: Greubel Forsey Quantième Perpétuel à Équation

For her: De Bethune DB25L Milky Way (Mmmmm… yum)

Capricorn — The Goat

This is where my parlous deficiency in zoological knowledge comes to light. Theological contexts paint goats as the bad guys (as opposed to good sheep), but maybe the goat community just had really poor PR representation. I’ve seen documentaries on the National Geographic channel that really showcase the strengths of goats. Agility and an unparalleled sense of balance allows them to perch atop trees and on sheer slopes, so I feel that equanimity and adaptability would be traits of a Capricorn. They need practical, no-drama watches that can handle a bunch of shit. Let’s say that Capricorns have a great sense of humour as well, because have you seen that YouTube video of goats yelling like humans? I nearly died laughing, seriously.

For him: Tudor Heritage Ranger

For her: Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean 600M 42mm w/ white ceramic bezel

Aquarius — The Water Bearer

All right, I cheated. I looked up the Aquarius personality. I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot that can be extrapolated from a dude who carries around a jar of water, you know what I’m saying? It turns out that an Aquarius is truthful, fair-minded, curious, affectionate and imaginative. This is giving me zero help, to be honest, so I’m gonna go back to making it up. Presumably the Aquarius is thirsty all the time, or perhaps simply concerned about the hydration levels of those around him. He sounds like a helpful kinda guy. Also, I feel like someone who schleps around with large quantities of water is gonna be a big fan of things like clarity, purity and the power of tranquillity. (For maximum impact, say that last bit in a Bruce Lee voice.)

For him: Bell & Ross BR-X1 Tourbillon Sapphire

For her: Corum Miss Golden Bridge

Pisces — The Fish(es)

I like fish. I could very happily turn pescatarian for a long time. This love of marine flesh doesn’t exactly give me any great insights into fishy personalities though, so I gotta be honest, this isn’t going to be the most astutely observed paragraph you’ve ever read. I’m guessing one of the best things about being a fish is that you effectively weigh a lot less, so working out becomes a lot more gratifying as you smash through all your targets without breaking a sweat (and even if you did sweat it wouldn’t be noticeable underwater anyway). This is a good thing, because it’s not like you can afford to skip any gym sessions — the ocean is a terrifying place filled with terrifying predators, and staying in shape has never been so vital to your continued health and wellbeing. Sporty, gravity-countering watches. Know any of those?

For him: TAG Heuer Carrera Heuer-02T Tourbillon Chronograph

For her: Chanel J12 Tourbillon Volant